I want to share what I've learned over the years in hopes that I can help others who are struggling. It's fun to write it all down. Everyone's journey is different. Here's mine.
I'm 54 (male) and have been stuttering pretty much since I was 11 or 12. I was sent to boarding school in the UK when I was 10 and I think the trauma of my situation is what triggered my stuttering... but I also think there were probably genetic reasons too.
I stuttered terribly from the age of 11 to 25. Those were really tough years. I was either teased or ignored. I think from 11 to 21 I was mostly silent. I just talked when I had to.
Luckily, things calmed down a little bit after college. I would have had some good years, some not so good years. I guess depending on what was going on in my life at the time. But I never went a day where my speech was fluent. It wasn't easy.
The look of panic or confusion that flashed across someone's face when I started stuttering made me feel terrible. I wished the ground would swallow me up. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, afraid, and I just wanted to get out of the situation as fast as possible.
I still feel all of that, just to a lesser degree. I'm just not as emotionally devastated. Still bad. But not terrible. Being a stutterer is very lonely..
No one can understand what it is. Only the stutterer knows. If someone judges me, I stutter. If I drink alcohol, I stutter. If I go to a party, I stutter. If I don’t like human communication in any way, I stutter.
I've never had a job interview. Phone calls are sometimes the worst. If someone asks me my name, I stutter. If someone looks at me while I stutter, I stutter some more. Killing girls wasn't an option. I was the quiet, shy guy in the room. I had exactly 3 brief sexual encounters before I was 30.
I feel like I missed out on a healthy early sex life. But it worked out. I met someone who liked me. Someone who didn't care. Someone who made me feel safe. I've been married for 21 years. I have two kids and have managed to build, by and large, a good life. I love my family and my two close friends.
I never thought I would find someone. In the mid-90s, I was 33 and very lonely. I wanted a family. I wanted to be loved. I never thought that would happen. I realized that I needed to see someone on a regular basis (like class) before I felt comfortable with them.
So I went to a yoga class that met 3 days a week and that’s where I met my wife. We saw each other in class for a couple of months before I got up the courage to ask her if she wanted to go hiking or get coffee. She smiled and said yes. She liked both… I could tell she was kind and caring. That was enough.
She didn't mention my stutter for a couple of months. And when she did, it was just to reassure me that everything was okay. I've worked hard to avoid stress, conflict, dysfunctional relationships, and, whatever, stepping outside my comfort zone. I play it safe. Looking back on the last 43 years, I really wish I'd made peace with my stutter.
I wish I had accepted who I was and been comfortable with the way I spoke. The emotional weight of my daily life would have been lighter. But it wasn’t. I had no guidance or support. My parents barely mentioned it. My siblings were abusive. There were no therapists I could talk to. I just had to figure it out for myself.
Stuttering taught me a lot about how to live in this world: It taught me to be a good listener. To really listen to others, to focus on them and what they are saying. It is very gratifying. Honestly, I learned to be a good listener because I was obviously more comfortable listening to someone than going through the pain of talking and stuttering. It taught me to be a kind and loyal friend. I felt that if someone was friendly to me and willing to listen to my broken speech, then they must be an amazing person.
I treasure my friendships. It taught me to be open-minded. Everyone has problems that dominate their lives, give them a break. It taught me to be non-materialistic. The struggle for wealth was too much of a challenge. It wasn’t me. Emotionally exhausting. It was like trying to win a race with a broken, fluttering car. It was frustrating until I realized I didn’t care.
Stuttering taught me to be almost childlike and innocent... It's hard to explain, but if you lean toward playfulness and innocence, you can relax. You can be an 8-year-old who doesn't stutter. Kids love you, mean or ignorant adults ignore you. When I took my little kids to birthday parties, I was the dad hanging out and playing with the other kids.
My kids' friends love spending time with me. I think they like me because they know I really care about them. It was that simple.